I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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