I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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