put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
