well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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