Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
