accomplished twins. life is a go
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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