I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
