It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
