Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
