my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
