Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize