doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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