smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
