My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize