mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
