Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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