My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
