Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
