im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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