What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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