I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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