Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
