I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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