Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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