i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize