I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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