Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
