Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
