I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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