My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it's great music for shaving your balls
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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