I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
