Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
