I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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