walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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