I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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