Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
