I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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