i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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