i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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