a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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