I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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