i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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