Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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