I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
