Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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