that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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