I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize