He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
