Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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