I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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