Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
