Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
