you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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