Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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