i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
