you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
