sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have tasted many bathrooms
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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