How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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