i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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